I’m not one bit conflicted on my decision to (hopefully) get ahead of my mutating cells. After the mammogram that started this slew of screenings a couple of years ago, I told myself that at the first sign of anything, I’d, “cut them off and get a new smaller and younger model” than the ones I currently have. So the conflict doesn’t come from this decision, the conflict is: what do I say?

If you could see my drafts folder, you’d see a graveyard of ideas. Do I tell you all about that 10+ doctors appointments I have coming and what that does to anxiety? Do I talk about the fact that I’m barely sleeping because I keep having dreams about botched surgeries. Or do I tell you all about how enraging unsolicited and unscientific advice can be?

Well, today, I’ll talk about the advice, because that’s what’s bothering me the most at this moment.

We’re all familiar with the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” And I’m estimating that many of those good intentions are unsolicited and dangerous advice to pregnant people or people going through other health ordeals. Originally, I wasn’t going to tell anyone about this. I was just going to do what was needed and someday people would be like, “Waaaiiittt a moment. There’s something different about Bianca. Did she get a haircut?” I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to hear people’s opinions or advice. And when you tell the world about things, some people view it as an unofficial invitation to speak their opinions on the topic.

If I were to follow some of the advice that I’ve been given, I would die. Or at least, statistically speaking, the odds are not in my favor. Because, remember, nine women have died of breast cancer on my mother’s side. Two women have had preventative mastectomies due to precancerous findings. One of them told me her story, and what she went through with the tests sounded exactly like what has been showing up on my images.

Things Not to Say

Here’s a brief rundown of some of the things I’ve been told (I’m sure all with good intentions)

• “You’re going to hurt so much. It’s going to be more painful than you could ever imagine.”
  
• “You need to cut out any sources of sugar from your diet, carbs, and any animal products. It will starve those cells.”
  
• “This is all a result of how you’ve treated your body and the stress you’ve been under.”
  
• “You really need to consider what you’re about to do. Breasts are what make a woman.”
  
• “Are you still doing that writing thing? How will you type after?”
  

Yes, I’ve considered the pain that I have no true way to prepare for.

Eating only vegetables (but none with sugar) isn’t going to do what you think it should at this point.

I asked my doctors, no, my weight gain over the pandemic didn’t cause this; sometimes genes just suck. Also, fuck you, because I’ve literally tried my entire life to not get to this point. Why do I always get blueberries and other berries? For the antioxidants. You know, the things meant to keep people from getting cancer. I breastfed for a total of SIX YEARS. Every 12 months, the risk is reduced. And yet, here we are with precancerous cells.

I’m sorry, do you really think I haven’t thought about this moment for years? Do you think I haven’t considered this? How stupid do you think I am? This isn’t like impulse buying a designer bag or getting bangs. Also, breasts don’t make a woman a woman. Gender is a social construct, and honestly, my breasts have always gotten in the way. When I played soccer in high school, my teammates would help me tape them down so they wouldn’t jiggle when I’d run. And that was after wearing three sports bras.

Uhm, yes. I do still have my career. And yes, I will be able to write. But like most people, I’ll probably take some time off or front load and automate as much of my work as possible. It will be a lot of effort at first, but it’s needed.

Sorry, but…

I don’t mean to come off as rude, but I wanted to share with you all some of these things I’ve been told, so maybe you don’t accidentally say these to somebody in the future. Instead, just tell them positive stories you’ve heard of women going through similar things, or you know, talk about some books or movies you like.