Avoiding the Darkness

It’s been a little bit since I updated. The reason? Compartmentalization. I’m actually quite good at burying feelings and things I don’t want to deal with. The only problem with that is that eventually, those feelings have to be released. Like, one day, you might be going through boxes and find a journal from high school, and read it, and then suddenly you’re in a downward spiral listening to The Cure non-stop, and your husband suggests you call your therapist. And then suddenly you have to start actual work in therapy and— Wait, I got off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, feelings and emotions are complicated and are best left buried deep.

Distractions Are the Best

The kids started school last week, and that offered a good period of distraction from any of my health stuff, and instead gave me something else to focus on. It’s been great. I love that we’re in a routine again. I really missed the two walks a day up and down the hill to the school. I missed standing outside waiting for the kids to come out, and enjoying small talk with other parents — yes, that’s right, the person who says she hates people does, in fact, enjoy people. Just don’t tell anyone.

Oh, Fuuuuudge.

Today, I was looking at my paper calendar, and adding in things from my phone. (I don’t know about you, but I like being able to see all of the upcoming engagements laid out in front of me.) It was during this that I realized just how much is happening in the next two weeks. I have four doctors appointments (not counting allergist or therapy) coming up. Wait. Nope. It’s actually more than that. I forgot that I’m also going to be meeting with my OBGYN to discuss a hysterectomy.

I strategically planned this appointment as a virtual visit. Why? Because apparently, they need to take an endometrial biopsy; they said it’s required. Turns out, these things are supposed to be unbelievably painful. In fact, they hurt so much that some people vomit. And here’s where my strategy comes in: If we have a video visit, she can’t spring it on me.

Is this kicking the can down the road? Maybe. My plan is to say, “I’d like to be made as unconscious as legally possibly without dying, please. This next year is going to be uncomfortable and painful enough that I think if we can make it not hurt, let’s do it.”

Also, I won’t accept the whole, “Just take some ibuprofen ahead of time,” because that seems to be a lie.

When will gynecological pain be taken seriously?

It’s so weird. The double mastectomy was something that I’ve always been somewhat prepared for after knowing my family history, and then seeing other women take this step in prevention. The hysterectomy part? It wasn’t even on my radar until my OBGYN mentioned it. Menopause at 39 sounds great.

I’m a Big, Brave Dog.

Next week, I have to get another mammogram. This is to make sure the cells haven’t altered more. If they have, I have to get another biopsy to make sure everything is still pre-cancerous and not cancerous. So, we’re hoping for no changes. We just need everything to stay the same until January 5th!

Originally, I wasn’t going to say anything about this. But the purpose of this blog is to be honest and open about this whole process. Full disclosure: I’m not mad at anyone, and I need that to be known. Especially if this person reads this. I am not mad. I totally understand. Life is crazy.

I found out today that my usual mammogram support person (men aren’t allowed back, so I take one of my girl friends) can’t make it to the appointment on Wednesday. And that’s fine! She’s gone with me to so many of these appointments over the past year and half, this was inevitable. And, I didn’t get to choose when this appointment was. They just assigned it. Which meant, we couldn’t fit it around our schedules. 2:30 p.m. is an inconvenient time for anyone, especially working mothers.

It’s funny, I knew how much I appreciated her coming with me, and sitting in the halls of Magee’s mammogram wing. And I guess change is hard. Because I ended up crying. It’s not that I’m upset she has a life beyond Bianca’s Breast Health, it’s just that I think I realized how much her presence helped to calm me. I knew that at some point, she would not be able to go with me to an appointment — that’s just life — and I’ve been so grateful for all of the appointments she’s gone to with me. She’s literally taken hours upon hours out of her life to sit and keep me company.

Maybe this is like how I always knew that someday I’d probably end up here (just look at the statistics) and knowing isn’t the same as dealing with it. I’ll be fine. But I guess I need to allow myself space to feel all things

Speaking of things and feelings: I’m starting to think of the finality of losing parts of me that have been here forever. It’s a weird concept to grapple with. Something I’ll approach in another post. We haven’t processed that to a point where I can articulate it.